The Passing of my Nana

By Skywing Knights // June 28, 2024

Me and my Nana.

On Wednesday, May 15th, 2024, my wonderful, loving, truly amazing Nana (Grandmother; on my mother’s side) passed away. My mind has been in a fog ever since. My Nana was one of my best friends in the world and losing her has been incredibly heartbreaking. I’d often call her when I walk my pup, Sadie, and she’d tell me about the farm she lived on. She’d talk about the fox, the deer, and the birds. She’d talk to me about the repairs she needed done on the house. We’d talk about family drama and what was going on in my life. Now… those walks feel empty.

Since her passing, I’ve immersed myself heavily into things to help me not think about it. I’ve kept busy. I’ve exercised. And at times, I’ve just been a manic cleaner of my home, trying to get little things that have been on my ‘to-do list’ for ages crossed off… Around the time she passed, I also took to writing personal thoughts too, reminders of how and why I can indeed keep going. As I’ve thought about how to best pay tribute to my Nana. I thought I would share some of those writings with you here with minimal editing to preserve the integrity of these precious thoughts. And after, do forgive some of my random thoughts and ramblings about this amazing woman. I don’t want to forget these things ever. I don’t want her to be forgotten.

One Week Prior To My Nana’s Passing

This week my Nana was put into hospice care. We think she has less than a week to live… Of course I cried. I sobbed. While in the hospital, I had nurses who hugged me and brought me tissues. All of them with good intentions and kindness in their hearts. So with writing this, I don’t mean to accuse any of them of heartlessness, including the nurse I’m about to talk about here… More so, I mean to convey the power of what I know to be true.

I sat on a couch, tissues in my hand, crying so that tears fell to the floor and I could distinctly see them. A nurse randomly passed by and came up to me. She said, “You know what? People are going to tell you that it’s going to be okay. But the truth of the matter is it’s not going to be okay. And that’s fine. It’s alright for things to not be okay.”

I knew she was trying to comfort me. I knew she was trying to tell me that it’s alright for things to feel sad, hurtful and unfair. But all I could think was:

“What makes you think I don’t think everything’s going to be okay?”

Because… I know.

With my Nana, I always knew I would be okay.

I know everything’s going to be OKAY.

It hit me as she spoke that I wasn’t crying because I never thought I’d see my Nana again. I was crying because it was probably going to be a long time until I did see her again. She’s one of my best friends in the world. One of my biggest supporters. And one of the people I know loves me more than anyone else in the world.

But I KNOW I’m going to see her again.

I know that because I know about my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ’s Plan of Happiness. I know that because I know that families can be together forever. I know that because of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I know that because I know what Christ’s Atonement means for the entire human family for all eternities.

That peace is the most comforting balm to my soul right now.

That peace is everything to me. It’s the peace that knowing that ‘death’ is not the end. It’s the peace of knowing that the ‘dead’ don’t like being called ‘the dead’, but ‘those beyond the veil’. Indeed, it’s the peace of knowing that even though these are likely my Nana’s last days, she will be reunited with the greatest love of her life soon. She’ll be reunited with my loving Grandpa, who has been patiently waiting for their reunion on the other side of the veil. And I know he will embrace her in the tightest hug imaginable when she passes through to see him and all of her family members on the other side again.

This is my favorite photo of my Nana and Grandpa. I am comforted to know that they, the most loving couple I’ve ever known and the most wonderful example of a married couple in my life, have been reunited once again.

That peace is what allows me to walk with my head held high, knowing that my Nana is loved by our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ – that they want her to be happy, and that they see her as a divine daughter of God. These last days of hers here in this life are incredibly painful and hard to experience, both for her and all of her family members here. But I KNOW I will see her again. I look forward to the day that I can meet her as a young woman, in a perfect state. It will be a day where she will be free from pain. And I can embrace her younger self like the friend and loving, perfect, wonderful grandmother I’ve always known to be inside the elderly woman I’ve known as my Nana.

Indeed, my Nana was a Queen.

I know my Heavenly Father sees her as a Queen, as do I.

When she passes on, of course, I’ll weep. But I’ll always love her. And I’ll always walk to inherit that majestic mantle she built as the Queen of our family. It’s a mantle of dignity, strength, love, and fierce honor. It comes with a sword and shield to defend her family, protect her family, strengthen her family and cherish her family that she wielded every single day of her life.

After My Nana Passed

She passed about a week after I wrote that above piece. My mind has not changed or wavered. My feelings were still raw… they still are raw. Things are still difficult. I have dreams about her. And I often am reminded of little memories here and there of moments we spent with one another. During her wake, I couldn’t even stay. It was so difficult to see the body she had left behind. While I knew I’d see her again, her empty body was simply too painful of a reminder that I’d never feel her hug me, or hold my hand, or tell me she loved me in this life.

My Nana treated me like a princess when I was little. Probably because, while I didn’t know it then, she was a queen.

There is so much about her I am going to miss. From the emotional support she gave me such as the directives to see and be reminded of how ‘good’ of a person and how ‘talented’ I’ve become… those things are always hard for me to see. But she always saw them, and let me know that.

My Nana came to support me when I received an award for excellence in Japanese language study.

We’d often joke that, as my Nana was the ‘Godmother’ of the family, when she said “Jump!” we would respond with “How high?” But honestly… I’m going to miss jumping for her. She’d ask me to jump, and by doing so, she taught me how to soar while she watched from below. And best of all, she helped to catch me in the event that I fell.

My Inheritance from my Nana

This past weekend, I went up to my Nana’s estate. There, I inherited one thing from my Nana that I prize above all else – her wedding dress. Handmade by my Great Grandmother, the dress is nearly 70 years old. It has yellowed over time and has a stain. The lace is delicate and I fear damaging it. The zipper however, still works, incredibly… This family heirloom is one I plan to set out to preserve, and possibly even restore as a way to honor my Nana’s memory… After all, it’s just another piece of proof of my lineage from a line of seamstresses and strong women.

My Nana’s wedding dress, made by my great-grandmother, which I have inherited.

Did I ever mention that my Nana got shots in her eyes every few months as she got close to the end of her life? Talk about a fighter. I saw her in rare moments of grief and one was when she was told she was going to go blind without the shots. Needles to sew with are fine for me. But for medical purposes? No thanks. And in my eyes? I’d rather go blind. But she got them for years so she could keep seeing the faces of her family… so she could keep reading the 2-3 new books that she read each week…

Still With Me

One of the main reasons I came back from living in Japan was because I wanted to spend more time with my Nana. That was a decade ago. I miss living in Japan greatly. However, I do not regret for a second choosing to come back so I could spend more time with my Nana. My Nana loved to travel. But in her later years, her body wouldn’t allow her that luxury. I hope that now that she’s passed on, she will travel with me on the other side. She went to many places in Europe, but not to Asia. So I hope she’ll come with me and that it will be a treat for her.

My Nana on the Rhine River.

I’ve already felt her presence with me a few times. I felt her and my Grandpa on the steps with me of my porch seconds after I had heard the news. I’m pretty sure I also felt her sit next to me on the bench at my church. It made me resist the urge to send a message or two on my phone… ^^; (See I’m not perfect. I suffer from that temptation during church services sometimes too!) However, I felt as though I could hear her say, “If this is so important to you, why would you be taking out your phone?? Prove to me why I should be sitting here with you listening.”

Voicemails

Maybe I’m a bit of an odd duck (no kidding). But something I’ve been doing for years is save voicemails from loved ones. I will save new ones and occasionally delete old ones. But my goal is to always have a rather current version of how one of my loved ones sounds – especially when they say to me, “I love you.”

My Nana always told us she loved us in more ways than simply saying the words.

I have several from my Nana and I’ve listened to them a few times since she’s passed. They bring tears to my eyes each time I listen. And yet, they make me glad that I saved them. They’re little pieces, little ways, that I can still hear her, feel her and her love for me. I hope that one day, my voice can be like that for someone else. I hope someone thinks to save a voicemail from me so they can hear me say, “I love you!”

Her Legacy

Because if nothing else, I think that’s a wonderful legacy to leave behind. My Nana left behind many things. She was stubborn. She was not always apologetic if she felt she did nothing wrong. And we called her the ‘Godmother’ because she could have a tongue like a viper if you crossed her. But she was also loving, loyal, and giving. She would do anything for her family… including me.

Nana, I love you. I love you and Grandpa so much. I hope you both are spending every minute together and are surrounded by all of the family dogs wherever you go. I’m so thankful to know where you are. And I’m so thankful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ and His Atonement, which allows families to be together forever. People say I look like a young you. Honestly, I don’t see it. Probably that’s because when I think of you, I think of you and not me! But I hope that I can be a strong woman like you. I hope I can love like you. And I hope that when my time comes, you will be one of the first to great me on the other side. Until then, I love you and I hope I can live up to your legacy.